A History Of Great Mistakes


The luck of the Irish – pt 5
March 8, 2009, 12:00 pm
Filed under: Dublin | Tags: , , , , ,

(Well hey there! You’re new to the place aren’t you? I’m sure I haven’t seen you around here before… Hey – insider tip, before you read the below you should check out part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4…!)

As I woke up in the morning, the world seemed to spin. My head pounded. I had no idea how I’d arrived in the tent after our trip to the pub, and I thought it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to ask.

‘How much did I drink last night? And what the hell is that smell…?!?‘ I thought to myself as I unzipped the tent entrance, desperate for air. ‘Something rotten and horrible has slept in this tent with us – and it may have died’.

I scanned the tent in a sleepy, hungover, state and scratched my head.

Lewis let out a fart so dense and pungent that I could taste day old beer on my tongue.

I gagged and instinctively stuck my head outside to take a deep breath of clean air.

Lewis farted again in the background.

Gez clambered over Lewis’ body and hurriedly stuck his head out of the tent.

“What a bastard” said Gez, groaning and rubbing his head as ‘Mr Methane‘ produced more toxic gas in the background.

I nodded.

Breakfast awaits all ye who enter

Breakfast awaits all ye who enter

After Gez and I had bid Lewis good morning by punching him in the ribs and performing a move known as a ‘3D’, we made use of the campsite facilities, got dressed and headed into town on the bus.

Riding into Dublin on the bounciest bus known to man gave me a feeling slightly akin to something magical. I tried to describe it to the lads as we traveled, but found that it was quite hard to sum up the emotions that our surroundings had stirred within me. To say it was unlike any experience I’ve had before or since, wouldn’t even begin to cut the mustard.

I could only draw a parallel with a feeling of coming home after a long time away, but not quite knowing where home is, how you got there, or why you ever left. Plus, you’ve never actually been to your home before.

Describing it’s aesthetics however offered no such problems, as it was little more than one gray mess after another, occasionally broken up by a tree or power pylon – ‘concrete jungle‘ seemed to fit the bill.

Still, epic nonetheless.

As we got off the bus nearby O’Connell Bridge, we followed signs to the Temple Bar area and I found my spiritual home.

The Irish Breakfast in The Oliver St John Gogarty was a heavyweight contender for the title of ‘the best hangover cure known to man. Irish sausages, bacon, eggs, black pudding, white pudding, and builder’s tea (or orange juice) all melded together into a headache busting cure-all for our morning after ‘the night before’.

This is living” said Lewis, raising his cup, taking a drink of tea and shuddering. “Why on earth don’t we hang out like this more often?” he asked, looking at Gez and me.

“Probably… No – definitely because I’m nowhere near you guys, and I’m always tied up in one mess or another” I replied, taking a sip of my tea and coughing.

“We’ll have to make more of an effort when it comes to staying in touch” said Lewis, dipping his sausage into a smidgen of tomato sauce. “I don’t want to lose touch with either of you lads.”

“Aye, me either” said Gez.

“Or me” I said, tearing open two sugar sachets and stirring them into my tea. “But anyway – enough of all that – what shall we do after breakfast?”

Heaven Is A Place On Earth

Heaven Is A Place On Earth

Our trip around Dublin on one of the many topless buses proved to be interesting, but not as inspiring as we’d hoped, so we elected to dismount after half an hour of local sights.

As we got off the bus on the opposite side of the Liffey to the Temple Bar area, we looked at a strangely well kept graveyard and pondered what we should do next as we stayed at the shelter.

“Er… Lads… Are our tickets for the entire day, or just one journey?” I asked, looking at the bus timetable on the wall opposite.

“Just one journey” said Gez.

F@£k. Tactical error lads – we got off too soon – next stop was the Guinness factory

Eighteen Euros to upgrade our tickets, three red faces and a driver who laughed far too hard at us later – we’d arrived at the gates of heaven on earth. Standing by the entrance, we breathed in the air, fragranced by hops and century old cobbles.

It’s a scent worth bottling – ‘Oh’dour Alcoholique’.

An hour later, yet more Euros and six crowds of Japanese tourists intent on taking our picture as we were ‘from Dublin’ (I learned to stop correcting them after the third time), we sat in The Gravity Bar with our shamrocked pints of Guinness, and looked out over the city we were visiting.

Terrifying windows, stupidly high up

Terrifying windows, stupidly high up

“What a beautiful place” said Gez, looking out of the window.

“Yeah” I replied, sitting well back from the glass. Heights, I have learned over time, are not my strong point. They are in fact rather a weak point, and utterly terrifying.

As anyone who knows me will tell you – I hate tall structures. And I completely despise attractions that involve extreme height with lots of clear glass.

This, was no exception.

“I really do want to go lads” I said in a mousy voice, pinned down on the seat Gez had guided me into.

“Yeah yeah, in a minute…” said Lewis, pressing his face against the glass.

My stomach churned. I looked away from the windows and towards the lift.

The doors opened and a vision of loveliness walked into the bar, gliding almost as if on air, curly hair flowing freely. Her physique was sporty, but not muscular, and her face was angelic.

Stop the press – who is that…‘ I thought, quoting a film in my head. ‘Maybe now is the time to overcome my fear of heights’ I pondered, imagining myself walking over and saying hello.

I clutched the sides of my seat and brought my legs forward to stand up.

Slowly, but very surely, I stood up and smiled.

“Piece of p*$s” I said to myself, laughing.

I took a step forward, and the room began to spin. Quickly, I stepped backward and threw myself down into the seat.

‘Maybe I’ll just watch her from over here instead’ I thought.

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